1) BOMBER HAGUE: For his performance in
Kiev in the Tory opera, ‘Nazis are Okay’
2) OSCAR PISTORIUS: For his performance as
Christ in the Johannesburg Courtroom drama, ‘They
Done Him Wrong’
3) NICK CLEGG: For playing his favorite
role in the British political drama, ‘Silent
as the Grave’
4). REBEKKAH BROOKS: For her commanding
performance in the televised soap opera serial, Hear No Evil.
5). OWEN PATTERSON: In the Somerset Levels
Production Company drama, King Canute.
Surely few people deserve an Oscar more
than Bomber Hague who’s dignified
performance as British Foreign Secretary in Kiev when laying flowers at the
Nazi Memorial of Martyrs to those who died in the fascist takeover of the city.
His sorrowful demeanor and gravelly voice seen and heard around the world
captured hearts everywhere. All that was needed was the presence of his former
leading lady Margaret Thatcher to create a screenplay that would have rivalled
Gone With the Wind. Yes, who needs reminding of those heady days they shared on
the political screen together in the 1980’s when she was his Lady and he her dashing Tory-boy
Man. He may not know it yet but should The Charge of the Light Brigade be
remade he may yet be chosen to reprise Errol Flynn’s role of the hero who led
the charge against the Russians. The venue of the Crimea is of course once
again suitable!
Having turned down the role offered him
last year as The Virgin Mary, Oscar Pistorius has returned to play the starring
role of history’s great victim of Fate in a modern setting. His contrite,
sincere, wonderfully convincing performance he hopes, will convince millions of
followers of his complete innocence so let us remind ourselves of the story, The
Passion of Oscar Pistorius.
To set the scene he fires four shots
through a closed bathroom door because he suspects an intruder has got in and
shoots his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp who’s in there instead! Oh dear! Well
just a few questions for you Oscar.
1). When you got out of bed and reached for
your gun because you say you heard a noise coming from the bathroom weren’t you
surprised that your girlfriend wasn’t lying next to you and wondered whether it
might be her in there?
2). Didn’t you by any chance ask yourself ,
if you thought it was an intruder, how such a person might have got into your
bathroom given the size of the window or alternatively think that it might have
been a midget in there who didn’t need shooting four times rather than a big
burly robber?
3). Did your Mum or Dad never tell you to
count up to ten before firing a loaded gun four times through a door at someone
you couldn’t see, or for that matter firing one under a table in a crowded
restaurant?
And finally Mr Pistorius, given your
performances so far in Court, if you are found Not Guilty and released would
you consider auditioning for the starring role in Woody Allen’s new film about
the life of Jonny Ray, with the proposed title, Crying in the Rain?
Next on our Honours List is that great star
of the Silent Screen making his return in the grey on grey classic masterpiece The Phantom of Westminster… blink and you’ll miss him, it’s the
incomparable Chamomile Clegg. He doesn’t need to move let alone talk and the
critics are all over him wanting to know what he’s thinking but week after week
he’s got nothing to say. That’s the genius of the man really. He’ll let his
silence on just about everything stand as his record… Remember his recent
performance in those little Wellington Boots somewhere Over the Rainbow on the
Somerset Levels looking all dashing as he heroically waded through floodwater? People
remember him most however for his recent magnificent performance in the RBS
bankers bonuses reprise, Silent as the
Grave in which his co-star Vince Cable won an award for best supporting
actor. With his remarkable aptitude for blending into the background then
suddenly popping out like a jack-in-box, rumour has it that he’s being tipped
to star in lead role of a proposed remake of The Scarlet Pimpernel… They seek him here, they seek him there… they
seek that Cleggy everywhere…
For her outstanding performance in courtroom
drama Hear No Evil, latest epic of
the Old Bailey Production Company, a best actress award surely for sumptuous
redhead Rebekkah Brooks, lead actress in this classic film noir tale of a
beautiful, sophisticated career woman in the newspaper industry wrongly accused
and defending herself in a lifetime performance worthy of Garbo herself. Almost
like her immortal rendition of Queen Christina,
marching into history with her head held high as a model for all women
of courage in the modern age!
And here an honorable mention of Tory Flood
Supremo, Owen Patterson, seen here, there and everywhere reprising the role of
King Canute in the Somerset Levels comedy, We’ll
Have to Go Dutch. In a lifetime performance
supported by a five star cast from the Environment Agency Studios he
demonstrates a sparkling ability to persuade a bedraggled populace of farmers and
villages just about everywhere that they’ll all do their Level best from now on
to make it stop raining. If he succeeds then surely a BAFTA Award for the
latest star on our television screens who has given us all so much entertainment!
Please don’t stop coming on our television
screens sincerely promising that you’ll sort everything out. You’re such a
great laugh that the public just can’t get enough of you!
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