Yet I have to tell you that there is a
certain connection between what is our most sacrosanct institution and this
Show, in its own way already on the cusp of becoming one of the country’s most
popular and interesting television programs. Something that’s on the verge of
becoming an institution in its own right, albeit for its endless revelation of
awfulness and what has become an ever growing feature of modern British life,
namely the trials and tribulations of Britain’s Underclass. So let me say it as
it is. Underclass families who appear on the Show air their problems, yet the
Queen and her royal family also have their own problems in spades. Yet are you
likely to see Her Majesty appearing on the show to talk about them? Have a
televised chat with Graham behind the scenes to work out a solution? Not a
chance! They all had to be hidden best as they could from public gaze because
those so magnificent cannot be allowed to be thought of as people with
problems. A “problem family” if you will!
Indeed, do we ever see anyone from the
middle or upper classes appearing on the Show to talk about their own problems?
Problems such as addiction, infidelity, betrayal and violence. And why not? Are
they immune from issues and experiences portrayed on the Show as characterizing
only those at the lowest socio-economic
level of our society, those at the bottom of the social heap? I think not. But
it’s only those in the Underclass who unfailingly and remorselessly appear,
anguished and full of distress about such issues as those stated above. Adult
family members experiencing and having to cope with the behaviour and conduct
of those in their teens. Teenagers engaged in harmful or self-harming
behaviour, and adults themselves conducting their lives in an entirely
irresponsible manner. Yet isn’t this simply a middle class interpretation of what others do, they might
justifiably argue, and that just about everyone in our society behaves in much
the same way, only it’s hidden, just because Jeremy Kyle doesn’t want any of them on his Show? So why direct your
comments at us?
Yes,
all those at the top have got the same problems, and they’re also fucked up same
as we are!
Well actually they may have similar
problems but they’re not quite so fucked up as you are because they’re better
at dealing with them and they’ve got more money to help them. They’re better at
hiding their anguish and more often than not drown it in whisky. You
externalize yours all over the place. Onto other family members and into the
wider society in general. In any case, the Jeremy Kyle Show is a show.
One that puts people from an instantly recognizable social class up on public
display. Whether intentionally or not, it feeds these people, these members of
a social class at economic rock bottom to the wider society for what is
essentially public contempt. Turns them into a showcase that only too often
reveals their cultural character as problem people in general.
Of interest here is the physical
characterization of many of those who appear. Endlessly obese teenage girls who
are simply plain ugly… desperately skinny teenage and adult males who look as
though they could have stepped out of Belsen… Furious and uncontrolled
individuals full of verbal filth, abuse and threatening conduct. All of the
latter clearly the only way they see as resolving their problems and the
situations they find themselves in. Often putting themselves about on stage in
a manner that is quite frankly ludicrous and entirely unselfconscious of the
spectacle they make of themselves. And here the audience reaction is interesting.
Granted that such audiences are carefully selected for their appearance and
social class character, mainly of the working and lower middle class with a
handful of the Underclass thrown in, there’s a marked difference of appearance
between them and the likewise carefully selected people who appear on the Show,
those beset with desperately serious difficulties, dilemmas and problems.
People whose behaviour these audiences clearly find shocking due to the televised
close scanning of individual audience reaction.
The Jeremy Kyle Show wouldn’t be where it
was, high up in mass entertainment if it wasn’t for the problems and appearance
of the Underclass. The show’s portrayal of these problems, with a heavy
accentuation on infidelity and drugs, may or may not characterize the whole
class but the problems and situations conveyed are often extreme. How typical
they are is another matter. One that is not given to audiences or viewers to
question. They are just endlessly portrayed as being Underclass problems. Those
of obese, often foul mouthed girls, skinny primordial looking youths, desperate
mothers and semi-literate adult men. It’s always the same desperate showcase
material. Incapable problem-people with a generalised vile temperament. Just
imagine getting members of the middle class onto the Show… Getting some
stockbroker or banker lie detector tested or lady so and so DNA tested for the
bulge in her belly. Or indeed having a Jeremy Kyle show only for members of the middle and
upper classes! Now wouldn’t that really be fun. I mean the Chief
Executive of some bank or other, front page story on a national daily for shagging
a black girl at his luxury hotel while he’s away on a business trip somewhere
in Africa, she having gone to the local newspaper nine months later holding the
baby and his wife lady so and so NOW ON
THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW coming out waving her hands and screaming abuse! And
there’s Jeremy with the results of the DNA test!
Now how about such a scenario for viewer
appreciation? If Jeremy can do the unemployed and the van drivers why not the
House of Lords, the Judiciary or the Financial Sector. It might be such fun!
Having fat and skinny underclass audiences being shocked at the sleazy
disgusting behaviour of their betters!
And then if you will, imagine the Queen
appearing! Oh you know it was so hard on
the Family… My sister and all that… Princess Margaret being at drugs and
LSD parties… Photographed with married men every five minutes and drunk and
sweaty all over the place…
More about the Windsors later on. For now
there’s the whole dynamic of the Jeremy Kyle Show with its endlessly desperate
people and their problems with the man himself adopting the role of an active
well-meaning psychotherapist trying to resolve complex and desperate situations
involving the often plain bad behaviour of willful teenagers making mistakes and
adults doing things for which they ought to know better but clearly don’t. He’s
television’s equivalent of a newspaper agony aunt but with a crucial
difference. The agonies of people are widely open to broad consideration as a
function of public entertainment in which he plays the part of a do-gooding
healer for all the world to see. Indeed where human problems are concerned he
is a man for all seasons, forever immersing himself in dodgy situations involving
the Underclass and particularly with
individuals whose conduct has been harmful to family members who simply don’t
know what to do anymore. In a way, with his caring manner and genuine concerns
only too palpable, he might be considered as something of a one off in our
society where only too increasingly no-one seems to care about anyone else!
But let’s be clear about the one thing. As
I’ve said, this is an agony show involving only one sector of society, the
Underclass… a social class comprising often unemployed people from families
already burdened with problems and poverty who’ve lived a troubled lifestyle
since childhood for a generation or more. Key here is the apparent lack of
example from older family members or evidence of patient long term guidance
from parents unable to do anything, either because their own lives are out of
control or a fragility in surrounding family background circumstances. The
Underclass is often comprised of one parent families. Familial situations
fraught with instability and lacking example that might have come from a closely
knit extended family situation of grandparents, uncles and aunts, even parents,
able to provide the example of stability. Such families that once characterized
the working class are virtually a thing of the past. The Underclass indeed has
grown and developed out of the impoverished lower end of that class and taken
on broad cultural characteristics of its own, often only too apparent in
appearance and manner.
And it is these people who appear on the
Jeremy Kyle Show. Maladjusted and agonised people, their agony aunt
show-master, the well-tattooed heavies there to stop them attacking each other
and Graham behind the scenes promising concrete help once the psychotherapist
showman has diagnosed the root cause of their problems. If it sounds like fun
that’s because to millions it is. And to those who think the Underclass and
their problems are a singularly British phenomenon well think again! Jeremy’s
show is big in America with exactly the same kind of people appearing with
almost exactly the same kind of problems. And quite frankly if he were to do a
program in Russia or Japan, Germany, China or Italy, you’d still find the same
ugly obese girls pregnant in their mid-teens, the same scrawny looking
undernourished youths, the same drugs habits, the same infidelity, the same DNA
tests needed and the same lie detector requirements with Jeremy or some
Russian, Chinese, German or Japanese equivalent holding them up for their
audiences to hiss at or jeer. The economically depressed and culturally disfigured
working class is now just about everywhere and exactly whose fault is that… that
working people internationally have been socially and culturally disfigured so
that they appear like pathetic dangerous ghouls on televised shows before a
mass media to be considered in mockery?
And this brings me back to the Queen and
her own problem family, known in some circles as the wonky Windsors. Join me will you in considering our own dear
Majesty’s situation. Absolutely desperate about the situation in her family,
she’s finally consented to appear on the Jeremy Kyle Show to talk about all the
terrible family troubles she’s known over the last forty years or more. And
there she is, being welcomed onto the stage by Jeremy himself to the rapturous
cheers of a working class, underclass audience. She looks haggard but slim.
That’s because while she doesn’t have to eat all the fatty cheap burgers and
chips. All the problems she’s had have quite worn her out, but despite it all
she’s still a touch cheery. First up of course is Andrew Duke of York whose
affair with Koo Stark nearly gave her a nervous breakdown. How close he was to
marrying the trollop caused a real fright so he was shoved off to Fergie. And
in he swaggers, all of a fury at having his personal life dragged up. While
she’s still sitting in her chair he goes on at her in a rage about it being all
over a long time ago and that it’s really no-one’s business but his. In fact
he’s so mad that one of the bouncers steps in. Yes Fergie took them all for a
ride but that wasn’t his fault, being forced to marry the girl like that.
Someone who seemed to spend most of her time eating, and neither was it his
fault that she was caught sucking the toes of an Texan millionaire in public at
the side of his swimming pool! I mean he did the right thing didn’t he, going
through such a horrible divorce in public?
But
the two of you didn’t do anything to hide all your troubles, the Queens wails. It makes
her son feel even worse. You all forced
me to marry her, he shouts, looking as fat as anyone in the audience. The
Queen holds her hand up in dismay but Jeremy hurries to push the Show on and
turning to the side introduces his next guest, Charles the Queen’s oldest son
who bounces out muttering and livid from the side curtain. You really didn’t have to bring me here mother… All that thing with
Diana’s well in the past, I’m with Camilla these days… But you always were with Camilla the Queens
mutters accusingly. You were having an
affair with Camilla all the way through your marriage to Diana! The girl said
as much in her television interview. Don’t you remember, about the three of you being in your marriage.
Charles puts his hands to his ears and
starts shouting. Why do you have to drag
it up now Mummy, in front of all these bloody people? The Queen’s aghast… Charles!
I’m nearly ninety you know! How could you speak like that in front of all these
people. Soon you’ll be King and they’ll all be your subjects! Charles won’t be mollified. It’s all her
fault. She should never have dragged him out there in the first place. Jeremy
is instantly consoling. Yes it’s all in the past. Poor Diana, everyone’s
favourite! They should both think about the children! And even if his wife did
have all those affairs like she said, they should still think of the children!
Instead of pacifying the situation it makes
it all the more worse. Someone in the audience shouts about the Duke of
Cambridge and Harry. Did his Royal
Highness still think they were both his? Wouldn’t it be better if Harry at
least was DNA tested like all the other people who came on the Show? After all
the lad looked far more like James Hewitt, one of the men she admitted to
having an affair with, than Charles. What with Harry’s red hair and all.
The suggestion causes an explosion, Charles
losing it completely. He’s already down in the audience close to punching the
lights out of some skinny Underclass swine, swearing out the top of his head
and it’s only the bouncer whose rushed down that stops it. Pushed back on stage
he’s still coming out with a mouthful and now even the audience are jeering.
Jeremy Kyle turns their way in despair. Do they really want Harry DNA tested?
He’s such a nice, such a very popular young man who does so much for charity!
His intervention seems to have done the trick. The audience has quietened down
and the Queen’s clearly glad that they’ve moved on. Edward must have given you all such pleasure, your Majesty, says
Jeremy. The Queen approvingly
confirms but before she can say anything there’s a long hollow laugh from
Charles.
Oh
yes, what about all his boyfriends in the theatre, he
mutters. He was a disgrace to the whole
family… Mummy had to do everything
she could to keep it all out of the papers… Philip was hoping he’d go into the marines, the Queen sighs, but no, he didn’t want to leave his friends
behind in the theatre. The nervous little laugh from the Queen is followed
by more jeering from the audience. Well
that was alright wasn’t it, the Duke of York says matter of fact, because he was soon married off to Sophie. Jeremy
smiles affably. Well you’ve clearly had
pleasure from your youngest son, your
Majesty! Let’s bring him on the show!
The Queen smiles nervously. Edward’s antics
with his so called friends in the
theatre had caused his father to have a near fit more than once. All that and
his refusal to join the marines. He’d brought the whole family to the verge of
disgrace more than once. Well thank God it was over and he was respectably
married. Jeremy takes his cue from her silence, introducing the dashing Earl of
Wessex from the wings. From the audience little more than a hush.
Jeremy passes on to much safer things. You must have had such pleasure from your
dear daughter, your Majesty! The Queen smiles appreciatively. The Princess
Royal… Anne’s always been such a good
girl, she enthuses. Charles grunts. Even
if she married that nutter Mark Phillips! And you all thought he was such a great bloke. Just because they were both into horses you thought it made him so
special… Didn’t everyone say at the time he was just a grinning idiot. It was
just another bloody mistake you forced us into, same as me and Diana!
Suddenly there’s a furor coming from behind
the stage and a thin cadaverous old man makes a sudden appearance swearing his
head off. Phil-eep the Queen wails at
the sight of her husband. Jeremy barely has time to introduce his latest guest
when the venerable duke lunges at Charles with his tripod. How dare he speak
about the Family like that, especially his mother and sister. The Duke’s
clearly furious and most of his language is beeped. Furthermore one of the
bouncers has now got in the way while Jeremy rushes to calm things. Everyone in the audience will acknowledge
that the Princess Royal was a famous Olympian!
Alas to no avail! It didn’t stop her marrying that grinning shit, Charles shouts,
pouring even more oil on troubled waters. Well
nothing stopped you marrying that dopey Diana, the Duke of York comes in
sharp. Even though you always wanted
Camilla!
Well
at least she wasn’t a fat old shag bag like Fergie, the Prince of Wales snaps back.
Jeremy raises his hands. Our special guest here tonight… Please give a special round of applause to
Her Royal Highness the Princess Royal, he says breezily. Anne comes on
looking haughty and horsy. She’s heard it all behind the curtain. Her brothers
going on and Mamma having to listen. She can’t help herself and gives Charles
an admonishing stare. That older brother of hers was always a bit of a bastard.
That thing with Mark Phillips. She was
much younger then. It was all over long in the past so why bring it up now?
Charles knows how she feels and can’t help
a contemptuous stare. That sister of his
was always too big for her boots. The Queen sitting in the middle of her
family knows just how they feel. Three divorces in disastrous circumstances after
three marriages gone badly wrong. And likewise for Margaret her sister. And now
there’s scandal washing over one of her grandsons! All of her children out
there squabbling, and sooner or later Charles would be king and Camilla his
Queen! How on earth could he have preferred her to the much brighter Diana. And
that was the worst of it really. She’d always hoped he’d give up the first for
the second and he’d been having them both all along. Little wonder the Spencer
girl had gone looking elsewhere. Spilled the beans all over television.
Betraying her son and disgracing the family like that!
Suddenly as if from nowhere the Queen gives
her audience, her Subjects, a warm natural smile and Jeremy instantly picks up
on the new audience rapport. Throughout the Show he’d made minor gestures,
hoping to bring the family members together but now it was different. With her
own single solitary gesture the Queen has demonstrated her unique position.
Despite upsetting individual family failures, she herself remained within the
heart of her people as the nation’s institutional center and she knew it! Those
personal family failures were small compared to the loyalty, indeed the
affection of her much greater family. Insignificant really in the far greater
context of her prime overriding position as the veritable mother of the nation.
And now with her children smiling around
her, all was brought to a much greater quietude and Jeremy Kyle, her host of
the evening couldn’t fail to acknowledge. Her Majesty herself had taken over
his role, proving herself to be the true psychotherapist of the Show. Turning
to her he graciously bows, then pointing to her, acknowledged the fact by
raising his arm in gesture to his many millions of viewers. And his working
class, underclass audience reciprocates its approval in its broad respectful
applause for Her Majesty.
The Show is over and the national anthem is
played with everyone joyfully singing God
save the Queen. And Jeremy himself is guaranteed an OBE in the New Year’s Honours List!
