DAY BEFORE THE ELECTION COMEDY CAPERS

BORIS JOHNSON

Appears on the front page of a national daily hair all over the place looking like something David Cameron pulled out of a washing machine. Features insouciant and mouth all gobby as ever saying something barely coherent, he’s the Tory Party’s pop up jack in the box. Ever leery, ever ready to amuse by conveying his well polished demeanor of convivial stupidity, this ever present boil on the bum of his Party has been considered more of a liability than an electioneering aide by election campaign managers at Central Office and so has only occasionally been allowed to be seen alongside his master David Cameron. This time only yesterday so close to the end where any potential damage from madcap Boris type remarks was containable. Ah Boris, you loveable jokey liability… just a few minutes out of your box for a bit of fresh air before closing the lid and stuffing you back in the cupboard!

See you again soon in the House of Commons! You’re much too risky right now, after all, there’s no knowing just what you might say!

NICK CLEGG

Dressed in the costume of an 18^th century French Musketeer and Playing the Great Pretender…

Oh yes I’m the Great Pretender…

Pretending that I’m doing well (With the Lib Dems down in the polls to 7%)…
I seem to be what I’m not, you see…
I’m wearing my heart like a Clown… (So sad for you Nick, so sad!)
Pretending that you’re (the British electorate) still around!

There he is, up on the great stage of British politics. Alone now in an empty theatre with the spotlight still on him and the audience all gone home after having seen his final performance. His face is pallid. He wouldn’t mind another five years playing alongside DeCameron but knows in his heart of hearts that nobody trusts him and his fellow Lib-Dem musketeers anymore. But never mind! He can still pretend to be in the centre of just about anywhere propping up some Party or other so if it’s not the Tories why not Labour and Miliband? Just about anyone will do.

He’ll even try his old alone in a dark room technique… with Natalie Bennett! Because she’s got a look that makes him weak!

NIGEL FARAGE AND THE BBC

How is it you may justly ask do the Liberal Democrats, currently registering only 8% national support in all the opinion polls get to be judged as Britain’s third largest Party by the BBC ahead of UKIP which the polls show as having support running at 15% plus? It was because of such a highly prejudicial judgment that the BBC gave the Liberal Democrats overwhelmingly more publicity and electioneering airspace than UKIP in the televised election debates. There is clearly something wrong here. An attitude by the national broadcaster that is clearly anti-democratic and in a way smelly. UKIP’S leader has already pointed out his clear distaste for a broadcasting policy which unfairly left his Party at a considerable disadvantage in the crucial sphere of national publicity at a time so close to the General Election.

The BBC may have made its decision on the basis that the Liberal Democrats were partners to the Conservatives in Government over the last five years but all of that ended from the time that Parliament was dissolved and an election called. And from that time till this the BBC had ample opportunity to assess the relative strength between the Liberal Democrats and UKIP and would have clearly seen which Party now had the greater national support. I’m not a supporter of UKIP but the BBC decision to relegate it to fourth place and give the LibDems by far the greater publicity seems to my mind to be grossly unjust. Little wonder then that its leader is furious. In showing favoritism the BBC’s action has been a deliberate attempt to damage that Party’s chances in the supposedly democratic process of the electorate freely choosing a Government and as compulsory license payers to that organization as we all are I do not think it has served us at all well.

Most of its critics allege that BBC governance reflects a liberal minded establishment elite at its centre which in turn reflects its political outlook, one more likely to favor liberal minded political expression rather than anything extreme, left or right. UKIP however, while certainly not inclined to the liberal left is very far from being hard right in any way. Clearly however its views on controlling mass immigration and its hostility to the EU have offended the broadcaster’s executive elite and UKIP’s leader has promised to remedy the situation as to what he regards as its bias should he be given the political opportunity. A view that has substantial sympathy with the general public.

ED MILIBAND THE BACON SANDWICH

If anyone from Rupert Murdoch’s Conservative Party supporting scummy Sun newspaper thought they were doing Ed Miliband damage just a day before the election by publishing a full front page photo of the Labour leader fumbling over a bacon sandwich he’d stuffed half way down his gob, they should have another think coming. There are few things that a Jewish guy likes more than a really good bacon sandwich… Three or four rashers in soft medium white bread with HP sauce and quite frankly why not. Yes, I know I’ll get bollocked by some religious organization that’s hot and orthodox in dietary laws, me being a Jew like Ed Miliband, but nonetheless I understand where he’s coming from because I love it too and there’s nothing I tell you, nothing, that’s coming between me and my bacon sandwich so I understand Ed Miliband’s pleasure. But quite frankly, for the Sun to knock it with the words in the caption used IS QUITE A BIT SMELLY. It’s got an anti-Semitic Daily Mail touch about it that quite frankly the guy doesn’t deserve.

He’s a good man is Ed Miliband. He genuinely cares about the poor and underprivileged people of this country and wants to do everything he can to raise and improve their standard of life. And he’s perfectly sincere in asking us for our vote because this is what he intends doing. I don’t think he’s a genuine socialist of the old style. They disappeared from the Labour Party long ago and those who didn’t were wiped out by the ghastly Tony Blair. However I’m firmly convinced that he’ll do a whole lot more than his unashamedly hateful predecessor Dark Gordon Brown. Politics however is the art of the possible and Ed Miliband has already cut the ground from under his feet. By refusing to consider a working relationship with Nicola Sturgeon in a very obvious broad alliance of policy between Labour and the Scottish Nationalists, he rules out his chances of governing, placing what he sees as national solidarity over social policies of fairness and social justice.

He believes that the nationalists place Scottish national political interest over the social welfare not only of Scotland but of Britain as a whole. The Scottish Nationalists however, with their social policies coming from much further on the socialist left than Labour’s have never made their views absolutely clear. In the event of a hung Parliament their support will be crucial for Ed Miliband to create a Labour Government. Without it, this seems unlikely. So what is preventing Mr Bacon Sandwich from working with the leftist nationalists of Scotland? Could it be that the Scots are too far to the Left or is he scared they’ll push the boat too far out on independence? The nationalists are about to wipe out the Labour Party in Scotland. That’s not because the Scots are suddenly hostile to socialism. On the contrary, they’re hostile to a Labour Party led by Gordon Brown and before him Tony Blair which did absolutely nothing for their country and impoverished many of their people. That’s a fact.

And it would indeed be a tragedy if Ed and his Sandwich would have to pay the ugly price of his Party’s historical neglect. It doesn’t have to be this way… but if it does, is he and the Sandwich more likely to do a deal with the disgustingly cheesy on a stick Liberal Democrats? To those who want to make the country a whole lot fairer, more just, whole lot better place to live in without the police beating people up left right and centre, the idea of Coalition Government between the two is to appalling to contemplate. Almost as nasty, but mercifully not quite, as seeing Dark Gordon back in power all over again.

DARK GORDON BROWN

There was something kind of nasty, in a way sickening, in seeing Scottish Labour’s answer to Beethoven’s Ode to Joy come out on the stage in recent days with his scowling mug desperately trying put on a fraction of sweetness and so desperately failing as the old master of mumbling menace pranced around on stage like a demented hyena, niftily stepping that way and this and throwing his arms out like some crazed Baptist preacher telling his audience about all the delights of Labour’s policies of equality and fairness in education, health and jobs. All these and so many more wonderful things coming from the Labour Party of the people up in Scotland voted for it and gave it their support over the nationalists.

Such a performance, with those little cheeks of this former Prime Minister puffing in and out and even an occasional expression of merriment, forced as ever it seemed, playing over his glowing jowls. It got me to thinking! All these wonderful things! So alien to him during his Premiership when he turned over the financial stability of the country and the welfare of millions of working people to the gimcrack, jack the lad financial marauders of the economy bringing the entire nation close to ruin in the process! The appalling mess he created during his time in office is a legacy that none of us who subsequently lived through it and suffered in the process is ever likely to forget. Yet here he was, telling us how good everything might be when the disaster he so recently created is still a damnable blight on our lives.

How is it then one wonders that Ed Miliband and Scottish Labour actually allowed his presence on stage to infer all the sweet promises of fairness, equality and social justice when he himself only so recently switched off the lights and plunged us all into hard times and darkness. What kind of plain madness was it that prompted them to parade him before us with our memories of his plain unadulterated fuck up so raw in our minds. Here, look… here’s the last lovely Labour Prime Minister Gordon Brown come to say hello and give his support to the new Labour leader Ed Miliband! What kind of crazy thinking was it to make them believe he could now woo any Scot for whom he did little to nothing during his time in office away from the reactive force of Scottish nationalism when it was him and his policies that the entire nation became dead against, resulting in a nationalist landslide. Did they really think he could charm them back to the fold with his now cheeky-chappy chat?

Sorry Scottish Labour! Dark Lord Gordon darkened too many lives. Ed and his Sandwich already had too many mountains to climb north of the border without you bringing him out of his coffin and making the Scots remember the dark times. On an even stranger note, what made Labour in Scotland think it was doing good by having Eddie Izzard turn up in lipstick to support leader Jim Murphy at one of the hustings? He really should have been up on stage with the Dark Lord himself, giving him all the opportunity he ever wanted to display his brilliant talent for dark humor at its very best! Something the Tories would never have had the imagination to think of. Here, ready at hand was a genius of comedy himself ready to make people laugh but the opportunity was wasted. They just never thought of the idea that what the Scots needed was something to laugh about rather than see Dark Gordon and cry!