GEORGE FORMBY’S SECRET ONE OFF VISIT TO BUCKINGHAM PALACE!

Ee by gum George… It’s turned out nice again!

Ee by gum Your Majesty, it ‘as too at that.

You bein’ ere George, you know, both together on our own, gives me the opportunity to talk to you about Buckingham Palace. I don’t mean about you singing here and all that, George… What I really wanted to talk about was all the windows. They all get a bit grimy in t’winter!

I can see your point Your Majesty. They all need cleaning!

That’s exactly my point George. It gives me the chance to do what I’ve always wanted to do! I mean, you of all people know what I’m talking about!

Now from what you’ve already told me Your Majesty there’s not much doing on the Ground Floor. It’s all going on late at night on the First so that way you’ll need a much longer ladder. ‘Specially if it’s round the back of the building where all those ladies in waiting have rooms.

Exactly George! I’ve had an extra-long ladder made and already tried out my first trip with a bucket and leather! T’were last week after all t’guards buggered off! Weren’t all that easy. Tried it round back at first late afternoon. Tricky bein’ up there at first having your first peep looking in on one of the bedrooms. Light was off but no-one in so I didn’t miss much!

Sorry it was like that Your Majesty. Best views always come when least expected!

Damned right George! Got me best view only two days ago after one of our perishing coppers asked me what I was doing up there. I had a gardener’s coat on so he didn’t know who it was! You should have seen his face! Anyway I went back late night. Lady Cynthia Pallisher’s Room it was. Lady-in-Waiting to one of the resident Duchesses! Light was on and all that. Just waited for her to undress before I raised my head up over the parapet then saw her neat pointed little titties all there as she turned the bedside table light off. Just a lovely little triangle of hair too George. You should have seen it!

Sounds like your first score, Your Majesty, and aristocratic and all. Most of the ones a window cleaner gets sight of in Wigan don’t want talkin’ about!

Plenty of flesh on em eh, George? Like to see some of that if me and the wife come north on one of our meet the people trips. Meanwhile though I’m planning on having plenty of fun down here. I mean the Palace has thousands of windows and all of them need some cleaning what with the London air and all that.

Never know what lovely ladies you might get to espy one evenin’ to the next Your Majesty with so many windows to choose from. Get to be the envy of every window cleaner Up North with all those windows.

Damn right George. Nothing like being a nosey parker if you’re the King! There’ll be bound to be more than a handful of ladies interested in showing their Majesty a fistful of beaver. Anyway, what I really wanted to talk to you about George was the Lamppost! After your first couple of concerts here for Elizabeth, you remember, the ones that Mary attended, I had one of them Lampposts installed.

Sounds interesting your Majesty. Was it downstairs, along one of them streets back of the Palace Courtyard you showed me and Beryl some time back when we visited?

Well I certainly tried it George. I certainly did. Got one of my Secretaries to take a trip up to Warrington where he contacted Corporation. Nowt said. Just dug up a couple in one of the streets and brought it to London on’train. Good man the Mayor. We had the first put up along the end of the quadrangle. Ground staff did the hole and in went the Lamp. Concrete had to set though before I took my first lean. Once it did I put on that cap you gave me from the Working Man’s Club in Wigan, lit a cigarette and just rested back on it all. Can’t tell you how I felt when Lady Cowslip passed by. Almost wanted to give her a whistle! No, a girl like that certainly wouldn’t leave a man flat. In fact when I thought of the words of your song, George, I got an enormous erection!    

So, do you go leanin’ a lot Your Majesty?

Well that’s the whole point George. I had the other one put in at the end of the long gallery just before corner reaches the Royal bedrooms. Quite a bit different to Windsor!

With me little stick of Windsor Rock,

Along the Castle Walls I’ll stroll,
It gets sticky but I never complain,
I’ll just take it out and run it
up the Royal flagpole,
The Ladies of the Town tell me
it makes quite a sight,
They can see the flag flying,
on a dark night,
When they’re going home to their husbands,
It gives them a fright,
cos it’s not what they’re getting,
Let then wish as they might,
For me little stick of Windsor Rock.

Nice to hear you burstin’ into song like that your Majesty. If we could work out a tune you could try it out on the Ukelele. Not sure I’ve heard that one before.

You ‘aint George. I just made it up!

Ha ha… Your Majesty. Nice one! So what happened when you put up t’other Lamppost?

You mean one at end of Gallery in Buckingham Palace George? Well that was the place I had figured out for it you see. The Queen would come along from the Changing Room half way up the Gallery and head for her bedroom on there was me at the end, leaning on the Lampost and waiting for her. When she saw me there for the first time, quite unexpected, I’d thought she’d say GEORGE, IS THAT YOU THERE? but she didn’t. She just looked at me... Come over ere yer daft apeth she said with a smile. I was so happy and surprised I just began singing… You know George…

“There’s no other girl I could wait for

But this one I’d break any date for
I won’t have to ask what she’s late for
She wouldn’t leave me flat she’s not a girl like that…”

Well it’s a song any lad can sing to any lass if he loves her, Your Majesty.

Well that’s not the point of the story George. Her Majesty loved the idea of the Lamppost but she was much more interested with what went with it! It was the Flannelette Nightshirt that started it all off and things just got going from there. It was another of those songs you sang us at Windsor but it stuck in my thoughts…

I’ll put it in my own words…

Now into her bedroom I went quite by mistake,

My intentions were honest you see,
But she shouted with laughter – he-he-
I know what you’re after,
Me Auntie Maggie’s remedy

And that’s when everything perked up!

Your Majesty, listening to you makes me think just how amazing you and Her Majesty really are. Little wonder your popularity with all us working folk up north. If you hadn’t been King you’d have been real competition!

Doesn’t matter George. Together we can still make a fine pair. Me and the wife running the Country for the people, you and your ukulele keeping everyone happy.

Never a truer word was spoken. It was an inspirational relationship that lasted almost a decade and a half and took the British people through the Second World War on a high. King and Queen inspiring their people through the Blitz and the worst that the Germans threw at them. George, Beryl and his ukulele giving rich and poor alike genuine working class magic and an endless smile. As for the story above, you can take it as you please!