The political chatter’s mainly been about
each of the Parties wanting to capture what’s called the Center Ground of
British politics because that’s where they believe the bulk of the electorate
are and where most votes may be culled. They’re no longer after a left or right
vote because party advisors are telling their Leaders that most people have
grown tired of extremism and in tempestuous economic times they want
moderation. A quiet politically moderate life of national coalition somewhere
in the big middle ground. That’s where all politics is these days they suggest
so that’s where the three Party Leaders have set up shop. David Cameron with
Gay Marriage, Ethnic Minority Rights, and Green Save the Planet issues has
mixed blue and pink and gone a light mauve. Ed, Florence the Snail Miliband has chucked the light pink for light
blue and wound up playing kiss-kiss with Cameron while environmental Nick the
Dick Clegg has come out a pale puce. They clearly want to please everyone they
believe to be in the middle, the effect of which is that they all look the
same.
Before I tell you where the Cobblers Exchange
fits into the picture and what we ourselves have done to make it all happen I
want to make certain things clear. It’s been said that Ed Miliband can’t open
his mouth anymore or say anything politically serious because everyone knows
that it was Gordon Brown’s Labour that fed the British people to the financial
crooks and speculators, set up the perfect regime for corporate tax avoidance
and much other dirt besides, with Ed keeping his mouth shut all the way through
as one of Gordon’s best friends in Government. This may be seem reason enough
for the smarmy Ed keeping his gob shut while taking a poke at the Unions, but
it’s not the real reason. Likewise David Cameron going all touchy-feely and
giving his blue back bench Thatcherites the chuck has got nothing to do with
keeping Nick Clegg and the nation’s favourite
Scarecrow all happy. He’s quite prepared to put the frighteners on his own
Tory right with UKIP but that’s not because of Nick and the Scarecrow. He wants to win the next
General Election and the Liberal-Democrats are expendable. The public see them
as dirty and he knows they’ll walk The Green Mile. No, Cameron’s been told by
some little snot-nose to go for the center and we at the Cobbler’s Exchange
have helped him along. As for Clegg and his cheesy-on-a-stick clones it’ll soon
become clear!
In the last year the Executive Committee of
the Cobblers Exchange here in London has met on a regular basis to discuss and analyze
the overall situation with regard to politics and the economy, talking the kind
of cobblers we know represent the spectrum of views of our members. There were
those who believed that destabilization might shake up the whole rotten system
and lead to the logical outcome of a military coup. This view, having the
support of many, was seriously preferred. There were others, however, who
sought a more subtle direction. By no means ruling out such persuasive
possibilities it was decided to explore an alternative avenue, leaving the
taste of the stick in the background, next to the bench as it were. Coalescent
politics might be best for the country. Getting everyone to move in a single
direction. Party leadership could make it look how they liked with whatever new
‘causes’ and ‘issues’, even some, like Gay Marriage, distasteful, as long as the
drift was the same. No-one saying or doing anything silly, anything extreme
moderated down with everyone coming into
the center to create stability and order. We didn’t need any kind of Hitler for
the time being. We’d do it all British style!
Consultation was therefore decided. With
the stick in the background that is. Executive members of the Cobblers
Exchange, already known to our good friends in Party leadership, would request
talks. A series of private meetings at The Exchange to establish a process of
dialogue during which we’d put our own views. At first advise and suggest but
above all carefully observe. Help our friends understand that the decisions
were theirs and had our support! Our first meetings were arranged with the
greatest of care early last year. In utmost secrecy of course. For this we had
the advice of those who I would say were certain, very select members. It isn’t
every organisation of course that has the benefit of support from people with
GCHQ connection but let me say that such benefits are purely for matters of national concern. The national interest
as it were. Above Party or anything else. Initially informative though discursive
in essence.
We began with the Conservative Party and
one of the most senior advisers to the leadership, the bright, well informed
and congenial Turdy Roundstone. Someone who might best be described as an
Issues Specialist, listened to and respected right at the top. Turning to Labour,
Ed Miliband, aware of the context, proved equally amenable, sending his
foremost Minority Rights advisor Pinky Perks. Contact with Mr Perks, once
established, proved exceedingly useful for as we soon learned we had the ear of
Labour’s leader himself. Most pleasing of all perhaps was the effusiveness of
the Liberal Democrats, a Party only too keen to discuss just about anything
with an institution such as ourselves. Our Executive Member for Party liaison
had only to mention The Cobblers Exchange to illicit an instant response. A
call from the Party Leader himself… Most
glad to hear from us… How could he help! I remember it all very well. His
call transferred to my office, his manner affable as ever. After a congenial
exchange of greetings, a brief explanation after which his deferential
response. The Party would certainly be interested. I deliberately kept it all
vague. Informal discussion at this early stage. A policy advisor would
certainly be welcome. Someone he knew well. Who would indeed have his trust. It
was how we came to meet his most senior advisor Dilly Claypole the following
month.
The above information is meant to inform
you of the general background. Our careful approach you may be interested to
know was indeed instrumental in setting up a framework for future formal
discussion with Party leaders and their confidential advisors. Our objective needless
to say was molding the kind of ideological coalescence that would best serve
the national interest. The country didn’t need any more of what it had been
getting for the last sixty years. There was to be no more pointless accusation,
no more political points scoring. Instead a genuine blending of views and
harmonization of policy in respect of the Economy, that being the banks,
corporate taxation and the helpful attitudes of the Inland Revenue in this
respect, Utility price rises and an understanding of the need of the Energy
Companies and suppliers cartel to be profitable for their shareholders, the
Trades Union movement, the National Health Service, Civil Rights, Flexibility
on future large scale Immigration, Ethnic and Minority Groups and their causes,
Benefits control with a necessary curb on the Welfare State, and last but by no
means least, Pensioner and Elderly issues.
What surprised us most at the Exchange was
how willing all the three party leaders were to come together and abandon what
at first seemed un-surmountable differences. Ed Miliband’s Labour willing to
compromise with David Cameron in matters of privatizing aspects of the National
Health Service for example, along with their joint attitude towards strict
means testing of the disabled, initially a Gordon Brown idea, and this time
getting seriously tough with the scroungers. And then all three leaders united
in their determination to face down and rough up the Unions. When we first put
these ideas to Labour’s Pinky Perks we soon sensed that we’d have a positive
response from his boss, so long as Gay Rights and other attendant issues
weren’t on the table and it became clear not long after in our conversations
with Turdy Roundstone that his pleasure at Labour’s new flexible approach would
receive a reciprocal welcome from Cameron with more employment opportunities
opening up in the Housing Sector for immigrants.
It took time to put things together. Our
patient liaising with all sides, separately at first in a constructivist
approach quickly bore fruit. It soon became clear that Labour already had a new
approach under Miliband and this wasn’t altogether far from that of the Coalition
Prime Minister. Any differences there were after the General Election had soon
become softened and with a little work on our part could be finally smoothed
out. The Labour Leader’s attack on the Unions said it all, once and for all!
Nationalization was out and the working class along with it. Ed Miliband, such
a nice chap, was more smoothed out even than Clegg. The dervish in the woodpile
in that area of course was the Scarecrow making all those silly noises of his
from time to time thinking he had to be radical then of course doing little to
nothing so it was all empty air anyway. The man had to be given something to do
to keep his mouth shut so a word in Dilly Claypole’s ear went straight to her
boss with ridiculous Vince hobbled in weeks with taxation sillies.
A progress report in the middle of last year
showed all the advances we’d made. Ideological differences straightened out and
the political pathways of the Parties running in the same direction it was time
for their leaders to put on a public face to show unanimity. Where might it be
best done? At the Cobblers Exchange itself , a champagne party perhaps with
some five star ethnic minority entertainers on tap. No, altogether too private.
Something more ‘establishment’, in full public view to be seen and appreciated
was better. We had it immediately. Something for the Parties and the nation to
share. Something bigger than all of them, The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, joint
celebrations with Clegg, Miliband and Cameron side by side at the Abbey, suited
and booted. The coalescence of the political leaders and their policies beneath
the flag of the sovereign, beneath the banner of the nation!
Hardly a word needed saying. They were seen
there first but later, in official celebration, they met together at the Cobblers
Exchange. Nothing formal you understand. More of a private affair in company
with many of our members. Naturally nothing said. Not even a whisper. Just the
fact that all three were there under the big chandelier of the ballroom was a
tacit recognition of our patient hard work. Of what had already been quietly
achieved. Everything in its place for a genuine economic recovery. With
ideology out of the way all that remained were the political ambitions of the
participants. These had to be dealt with and assurances given!
Have you guessed what was agreed? It’s all
going to be fun with each of them having a hand in running the country! A
Conservative victory at the next General Election, clear cut and decisive. Labour
far behind and the Liberal Democrats cut down to size. Five years on in 2020 a
victory at last for a silver-haired Miliband, his Prime Minister’s role
alternating with Clegg. Cameron gone to the Lords, his party wiped out with
UKIP and Nigel now the official opposition.
All is already agreed. After 2020 we here
at the Cobblers Exchange will all look up to heaven and await the second coming
of Christ.
You might know who it is. Might even have
guessed, but I couldn’t possibly comment!
_________________________
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