Have you ever wanted to be recognised as the Master of the Universe? Now please don’t get me wrong! I’m not being facetious and I’m definitely not taking the piss. As far as I’m concerned it’s a very fair question. I’ll ask it again. Have you ever wanted to be recognised as the Master of the Universe, or better still, have someone address you as such?
Maybe, just maybe, there’s a small part of you, just a tinsy-winsy part that likes the idea. Alright then, just the tinsiest part. You’re English and you do everything in moderation, but go on, relax! Let yourself go just a bit. The thought must have crossed your mind for just a split second! No more of course. You know you can’t be getting any funny ideas. It isn’t respectable! But it’s true isn’t it? Admit it! The idea crossed your mind for a moment and you let it go, but while it was there for you to reflect on you loved it, and that was because you imagined what you could do to that little shit who’d been rude to you in the supermarket. As Master of the Universe you could have raised your little finger and he’d have been stuffed into a can of tomato soup.
Having that kind of power, I mean the ability to do whatever we like to anyone, and it’s nearly always a personal thing, is a notion that most of us have. Just a notion. No more. Of course, there are people who get it in spades, like Dictators, Presidents, Prime Ministers and Popes. Some even get to be Chief Executives of banks or run newspaper groups that shit all over innocent people, but then I’m not talking about that kind of thing. I’m talking of real power! The power to see into the future, to control the movement of planets and the destinies of billions… or even of a single individual. To make people do things without knowing they were going to. Now that’s real power.
But please, don’t get me wrong. I’m not writing this Blog in a small room with bars on the window! Indeed, the power I’m considering here is that which is sometimes ascribed to those recognised as Crystal Healing Masters and Wizards by their rapturous disciples, and let me assure you, I know what I’m talking about because it once happened to me. Recognition! Worship! Belief that I had supernatural powers. You name it. And all on a London street market stall on a sunny day in September.
Or was it a long time ago in a Galaxy far away? Or simply in another dimension!
Now I ask you to imagine my feelings. Here was I, actually being acknowledged by some crystal healing disciple to be Master of the Universe, the guy having fallen to his knees in front of me and calling me Master. I mean, okay, you might think he was some sort of nutter. It’s all too easy to point a finger, but in reality he might have been an entirely respectable member of the community doing responsible and valuable work, like a computer engineer, a doctor in an outpatients department or a policeman, but in this matter of crystal healing he was a true believer, a disciple of the faith, who recognised me as a Crystal Healing Wizard or ultimately, the spiritual master of all Wizards, aka the Master of the Universe.
Okay then, so how does that make me feel? I supposed I could have raised a finger, magicked him away and finished the coffee I had waiting, or better still thought of a large pile of fifties and turned the stack into reality. But how about something seriously juicy? Turned back time to before the election and got all the Liberal Democrats to confess they were lying toe-rags and made Gordon Brown come out on television and tell everyone he was a wanker.
You want to talk of power? Now that’s real power. And we’d all like some of that!
But before turning to discuss my experience more fully I want to briefly explore certain aspects of this strange notion in the context of everyday life. For example, the belief that many people have in their power to do good. Politicians are prime candidates. There they are, doing their thing and earning a good screw because they think they want to make people’s lives better. They really believe that they can. If they’re elected by the people, then they’ve definitely got the right policies to help the country out of a crisis. Yes, and they’ve got the power to do it. Never mind that they’ll put millions of people out of work and make life miserable for pensioners and kids. That’s their belief on a personal level. Or take the men of religion. Make people believe, through the faith that they have, that they’re helping people to see the light. See things in a better way through The Father, Son and Holy Ghost. The Father, of course, is the real Master of the Universe who sees everything and can do everything, only just not now cos he’s away doing the business in the Orion Nebula.
Politicians, priests, sex gurus… They’ll tell you things or sell you things that will help you. Make you feel better. There are so many people doing this kind of stuff these days. Making people believe they have the power. Could it be because so many people want to believe in one thing or another? Tie their lives into just so many passing fancies and give up their birth-right to be free. I mean, Father, Son and Holy Ghost is bad enough, but Cameron, Clegg and George Osborne? Please, leave it out!
Okay, so what happened to me and how did I get to be Master of the Universe? On the day in question my pitch had been shifted to a stall on the outer row of the market closest to the pavement where the light was strongest. The crystals and minerals displayed were brightly lit by the sun and a guy, somewhere in his early thirties, had stopped. I noted his silver earring and the quartz crystal pendant round his neck on a leather cord. He was looking at our stuff and I took in his interest. Something about him conveyed intense curiosity combined with a funny kind of nervousness.
“It’s difficult making decisions,” I cut in on his thoughts. “Especially when you feel yourself being tugged one way then another. It makes it hard to concentrate.”
He looked at me with astonishment. “How on earth did you know that?”
I didn’t. It was a cold reading at best but I knew I was right. “Too much going on in your head,” I replied. “A lack of being centred and balanced.”
He was staring hard at me now. “I suppose you know all about crystals and healing?”
I nodded sagely. Enough to tell him many things! Especially help him sort out his life and give it more balance. I was of course thinking about bloodstone possibilities and my little basket of yin-yang specials that I kept under the table only events were to take a very different turn.
“How do you know all these things?” he said, staring at me with a gaze close to wonderment. “You… you know so much.”
“I know everything,” I said confidently, in what I thought might be a slightly imperious tone. I wanted to come across knowledgeable. It would help me make the sale. Just a little bit of imperiousness, even regality to clinch it. What I hadn’t realised was that for so many, knowledge is such a potent symbol of power.
“Yes, I know everything,” I repeated, and then it just seemed to come out of me… “All those troubles afflicting the human spirit, though set against a background of time and space into which all things are measured, they are so small. We must therefore rise, and with help take ourselves in hand and go forward. Carve out our destiny.”
I could hear myself saying it. The effect however was startling. It was like he was overcome by a rapture because suddenly, right there in front of me, he fell to his knees and took my hands in his. “You’re a true Spiritual Master,” he said meekly. “A Master of All Things.”
I was completely taken aback. I didn’t know what to say. My thoughts raced. I realised in the moment, almost to my horror, that a fair part of me was actually enjoying it. That I’d been recognised! That I had real power! For some reason I thought of Star Wars and heard a sinister cackling in my head.
“Rise my friend,” I said in a lispy old voice, lifting him up. Christ! I’d turned into the Emperor!
But he still wouldn’t get up. With eyes raised he mumbled something about acknowledging me as The Master. “You have the power to do anything,” he said adoringly.
“Then I command you to rise,” I repeated. Things were beginning to look dodgy. People passing the stall had stopped to watch. I mean multiply the numbers and things could get biblical! Whatever was happening to me I had to fight it. Don’t get delusional… Don’t get delusional… the quiet voice of reason murmured inside my head. Only I could still hear his words, addressing me as Master of All Things. Yes, yes… Master of the Universe!
By this time he’d risen but I was still speechless. There was too much going on in my head. I felt a horrible confusion. Was it me? Was it him? No, please! I didn’t want to be Master of the Universe, and yet, just for a moment! I mean, with that kind of power! Just think if it was possible. I mean, you got up in the morning and saw the envelope that came through the door. There was only one winning ticket and it was yours! The dirty great big mansion you’d always wanted… The E type Jag… With the envelope you had the power. Master of the Universe! The idea was just too good to put down.
“Command me!” The voice came again only this time it was followed by another. “Got the rent, mate?”
I snapped to. It was the round ruddy face of the market manager, eyes full of merriment. “One of your disciples?” he jovially enquired. I pulled out a note and handed it over. Reality had intervened. My authority gone with a pop along with my powers! And in that moment I felt diminished. Smaller. I couldn’t be Master of the Universe anymore even if I wanted to. The pleasurable little delusion I had up in smoke. I was standing there at my market stall sussed! I looked over at my ‘disciple.’ He was smiling strangely at me now. Looking at the crystals on the table and humming a tune that sounded familiar! La, la, la… upon a star, makes no difference… I finished the words in my head. Makes no difference where you are… And there was the dog from the stall next to me rubbing my ankle.
“Time to get up darling!”
I shook my head. The sun was still strong only it was coming through the blinds and Louise was tugging at my foot. “Time to get up!”
What the hell! I wasn’t in the bloody market. You’d better believe it! And I did so even less under the shower. It had all been so vivid. So real. It just didn’t seem possible. I didn’t do spliffs or that kind of thing. I dried off and dressed. Tea waiting in the kitchen with an egg on toast and my packed lunch for the day. I went over it all. All the detail so real in my mind. Louise carefully listening.
“I saw that packet on the table this morning,” she said accusingly. “You must have gone through half the Danish Blue you bought yesterday. Guzzled it like a pig before coming to bed.”
Those words and the way that she’d said it! So what if I’d done half the box?
“There’s the whole answer,” she said triumphantly. “Master of the Universe!”
I took in her cynical laugh. Yeah Master of the Universe! I really fucking deserved it! Right, tea and egg walloped down, I was in the van and off, chuckling to myself on the drive. I’d got what I deserved. A taste of my own crystal bullshit. Some fantasy straight out of a packet of cheese. Yeah I deserved it all right. Danish Blue was supposed to have that kind of effect and there was me, doing whole mouthfuls before midnight.
I drove into the market and stalled up. Unexpectedly the manager had given me a new site for the day and the crystals looked much better here on the outside. I was up for a real cynical laugh. Well wasn’t that just me all over? Master of the Universe and being worshipped like that. What an absolute arsehole. Oh yeah I’d make the guy forget the rent! And as for David Cameron, I’d get him to kiss Merkel’s arse. Or better still Sarkozi’s! I could do all kinds of stuff but come to think of it why bother. Wouldn’t it be better using my power to make a much fairer world. Pensioners getting decent treatment and jobs for teenagers. Young and old treated with the respect they deserved, but then I was only a market trader trying to earn a shilling. That was the truth of the matter.
Just then a shadow fell over the stall. Someone in the sun looking across at our gear.
“Nice crystals those,” I heard a voice say. “I suppose you know about crystals and healing.”
I liked it. A perfect opportunity for taking money. I knew a thing or two I said, coming out with confidence and wisdom. I’d try to answer any questions he had. The stones were for healing. They helped people sort out their lives.
I caught myself saying it. But then how did I know it was a man there in the sunlight?
Because we’ve met before, the voice continued, a tall figure stepping out of the shadows. My eyes took in the silver earring then the quartz pendant. I was dumbstruck. It had to be him. Thin, lean… Exactly the same person only the earring was on the left side during the dream.
He looked at me all amused. “You’re having a Brian Cox moment,” he chuckled. “Don’t worry, you’ll be alright here. We’ve brought you into a parallel universe! Louise will still be there when you get home!”
“Parallel universe? I don’t want to be in a fucking parallel Universe,” I yelled. “I want to be in the market selling my gear.”
“But look around you,” the man insisted. “You are selling stuff on the market, only there are hundreds of markets and hundreds of you. Each one in a different dimension. There are hundreds of you and Louises You can be any Laurence you like, and do anything you like anywhere you like. You were only too happy with the idea before. Don’t you remember, when you wanted to be Master of the Universe? Now, with Brian Cox helping you out you can do just about anything. Be anyone you like! I mean, we’ve got our own special Brian Cox here. You can meet him if you like!
I threw up my hands in horror. Jesus, the idea of meeting that guy! I’d do anything, anything if I didn’t have to listen to him going on and on about everything. No, please, anything but Brian Cox!
“So you don’t want to be Master of the Universe then?” the man looked at me straight.
“No, I don’t,” I said coldly. “I’ve had enough with that kind of power!”
“You mean you just want to sell your crystals on the market and tell people lies. Well that’s alright then. You can talk as much healing bullshit as you like. Just as long as you leave the real bullshit to others, like physicists who talk about parallel universes, Higgs bosons and black holes. Those guys have really got their heads up their arses.”
The figure vanished and I carried on talking crystal healing for the rest of the day. It was harmless enough and made people feel happy. And so I’d been left realising the truth and with it learned a real lesson. I won’t pretend anymore or even think about being what I’m not. As for the rest of you, politicians and judges, media executives and journalists, bishops and creationist Big-Bang cosmologists, you can be whatever you like. Masters of the Universe or Wizards, no-one believes you anymore. You just strut your own stuff and everyone knows it. You can say what you like and sound like you mean it but you’re well past your sell by date. You’ve got your own agenda and everyone knows it. Too bad you’ve been sussed. You can keep on being Masters of the Universe but the truth, as everyone knows, is that you’re all just as deluded as each other.
TRYING TO GET PEOPLE TO BUY ALL YOUR SHIT BY PRETENDING TO BE WHAT YOU’RE NOT.
